It’s 12.50am on Monday night and I have had a pretty awful day. I am not after sympathy; I’m simply sharing and hoping to get some stuff off my mind so I can finally get some decent sleep. I wrote the piece about honoring your father and mother and realized tonight just how far I’ve got to go.
I preached yesterday and got a really good response. I’m a pretty good preacher (even if I say so myself), I know that God has a call on my life to full-time ministry at some point, I have great friends, fantastic children, a very supportive wife, a beautiful home and a job. So why do I feel so bad? Why do I feel like I have nothing? Why can’t I pray?
Depression is a strange illness that creeps in unawares and before you know it you’re trapped much like the frog in the boiling water. The trigger for me tonight was I wanted/needed someone to hug me. For want of a hug I felt all of my security going down the toilet. Of course I know it’s “All in the mind…” and if only I could step outside and look objectively at my situation and stop thinking of myself all of the time and fix my eyes on heaven etc. etc.
But right now I feel lousy and wanted someone to know even if it was just words on a blog. I know that my redeemer lives. Tonight we will huddle in bed and He will hold me and sometime soon I’ll realize that I am loved.
Clouds in a Jar 
Hey les,
will be praying for you.
Megan
By: Megan on January 29, 2008
at 1:05 am
One hug on the way.
Times like that remind us of our fragility, which is a good thing in the long run, but boy can it suck when you are in the midst of the slump.
By: Frank Emanuel on January 29, 2008
at 2:10 am
It does suck but having to lean on God and listen to my wife does me good in the long run.
By: lchatwin on January 29, 2008
at 3:47 am
Hey Les…I know exactly where you are coming from – I’ve just been there myself. 2007 was a bad year. Remembering my father sexually abused me, coming to terms with that emotionally, seeing a psych etc too, then in early Oct I end up in hospital with a blood clot in my lung. My life stopped for 3 months. Two weeks post hospital, I realised the only thing I had going before this was my health and fitness, then that was taken away too. Then my life hit depression huge and it was a struggle day by day to carry on. I had a Job experience when everything was stripped from me and lots of learning and suffering took place. It was needed.
I now am on the otherside of that and I am so glad that I wrote in my journal at that deepest darkest time ‘God help’ because I couldn’t reach out, I couldn’t speak out. God came and helped me conquer. I’m back to seeing a psych once a week to help through the trauma of the parent rejection abuse stuff – still learning lots about myself. All important.
We can gain much from these experiences. It really comes down to us moving forward to press towards that goal / towards Jesus for healing and restoration. God’s at the line wanting us to come – we just gotta say ‘yes’.
Life is hard, compared to what?
If you ever want to catch up for a drink Les – seems like you and I have travelled on similar journeys.
By: Mel Baker on January 29, 2008
at 10:01 am
Thanks Melissa. I will email you about coffee. I certainly would like a sympathetic, empathetic ear.
By: lchatwin on January 29, 2008
at 10:09 am
“great friends, fantastic children, a very supportive wife, a beautiful home and a job”
doesn’t seem like there’s much else you need to pray for!
By: JK on January 29, 2008
at 6:22 pm